Doug:
Grandpa, why do you have a gun?
Why do you have a gun?

Andy:
The city is crawling with criminal types
They'll swim through your sewers and up through your pipes
They've got no regard for decorum, and cripes!
I love you, little Billy

Doug:
But Grandpa, why do you have a gun?
Why do you have a gun?

Andy:
The communist menace continues to spread
They'll steal the gold fillings right out of your head
They'll rape you and flay you and leave you for dead!
I love you, little Billy

Doug:
But Grandpa, why do you have a gun?
Why do you have a gun?

Andy:
Government operatives plot the day when
They turn the U.S. over to the U.N.
And try getting a decent hamburger then!
I love you, little Billy

Doug:
But Grandpa, why-

Andy:
The second amendment is our guarantee
That we can shoot things indiscriminately
And somebody's got to protect you from me!
I love you, little Billy

Doug:
But Grandpa, why do you have a penis?
Why do you have a penis?

Andy:
Go ask your father!

Doug:
But Grandpa, why? You haven't said why!
Why, come on, Grandpa, come on, why?

Andy:
I knew that someday I'd have strapping grandsons
And they'd ask me questions — inquisitive ones
And if I had a penis, I wouldn't need guns!
I love you, little Billy!

Note from Joan: The Foremen performed this song in their live shows, but it never made it to record. The above sound file is the post-Roy Foremen (Andy Corwin, Kenny Rhodes, Doug Whitney & Matt Cartsonis), performing the song live on the Dr. Demento Show. To read or listen to their entire interview on the Dr. Demento Show, go here.

The "Grandpa, Why?" sound file appears
Courtesy of The Dr. Demento Show — Talonian Productions